I don’t feel insecure that often in my relationships. I think it’s a testament to being able to communicate with my partners, and know that I can have that dialogue with them if I need to. Sometimes insecure feelings rumble in the background of my emotions, but I’m usually able to hunt it down and address whatever the problem is in a reasonable order.
But every once in a while it reaches a critical mass, and it is totally overwhelming. It can feel like the supports that hold me up are crumbling beneath me. It’s terrifying and strange, and I don’t handle it that well.
Of course, it is usually a symptom that I haven’t been honest about my feelings, or that I have hidden instead of addressing smaller problems that I’ve encountered. But in the moment, the overwhelming panic and worry and hurt inundates me. It clouds my ability to process through those feelings, exacerbating what would otherwise be a bit of work and communication and reflection. It keeps me from hearing what my partners are saying, and instead I’m laying my own feelings on top of their words.
It is so easy in retrospect to pick apart what was actually going on. Once the clouds clear, the answers pop right up. And it’s easy to feel dumb at that point too. There are so many ways to be unfair to ourselves. I instead try to learn from my mistakes, and prepare myself for the next time those feelings wash over me.
But there is a valuable lesson in all of those moments. Because I have been in the midst of those feelings myself, I know what it is like when my partners are in their own insecure places. I know that, while I may not be able to do anything to help process those feelings, the one thing that I can always do is be empathetic and supportive. It is so hard to struggle with those feelings, and just being able to be present and witness their feelings them and talk and cuddle and hold my partners in that moment is all the more important because of my own insecurities.
I think it’s wonderful that we can learn from our own insecure moments, and then use that knowledge to help each other. We can be so deep in those feelings, but we can still have each other.