Lots of the Poly blogs I follow are written by people who are reasonably “settled” into their Poly lives – living in a triad, say, or otherwise in relationships that, while technically open, seem to satisfy everyone involved.
That doesn’t really describe me. Not that I’m not happy where I am. I’m certainly happy enough that I’m not interested in another partner coming in and changing my life around unless they meet incredibly high standards. But I don’t feel settled in quite the same way.
From time to time someone will ask me what I want my Poly life to eventually look like, or what I’m looking for in a prospective partner. When I was new to this I thought I had answers to these questions, but the longer I consider myself Poly, the more I realize the true answer to this question is that I don’t know. Of course I have interests. But in many cases I can see many different ways they could play out:
–I do know I’m interested in living communally. But what does it look like? Maybe with lovers, maybe with friends, maybe in one big house, maybe in a larger community, maybe revolving around work, maybe not.
–I’m interested in partners who eventually consider their family and mine to be the same thing, and I’m interested in partners who want a fun fling on the side and with whom we never integrate into each others’ lives.
–I’m interested in relationships that are sexual but not romantic, in relationships that are romantic but not sexual, and in relationships that are both.
–I’m interested in relationships that involve exploring any number of different areas sexually, but no one is a must-have.
–I’m interested in being part of a triad or quad and I also think that sounds too exhausting and I’d rather keep things more fluid.
The reason I say I don’t know what I want isn’t because I don’t know things that I want. It’s because there are so many ways I can see myself being happy. And what I really want is to allow people to come into my life, to love them for who they are, and to build a relationship and a life around what makes sense for all of us.
I don’t know when I’ll feel “settled,” though I suspect I will one day. But I’m pretty sure that when I do feel that way, it will be in a situation that I’m not capable of predicting here in 2013.