This is the eighth in a series of entries about the little parts of polyamory, from individual perspectives.
I consider myself an emotionally open person. I’m pretty up front about how I am feeling, sometimes to the point that I worry that I’m over-sharing. When I first got together with my girlfriend, she said one of the things that attracted me to her was that I was genuine with my feelings, and she always knew where I was coming from. It was one of the loveliest things anyone has ever said to me.
I think I also do a good job of staying open in tough emotional moments. I mean, I definitely have my triggered moments when I shut down and have trouble emoting. But those are thankfully few and far between, and I tend to know pretty quickly that I was reacting to something instead of being true to myself and others.
I am proud of this part of myself. I am happy that I feel like I can talk about feelings with others. I know that there are plenty of folks that struggle with that. I’m lucky that I have a bunch of people in my life that I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with.
But sometimes when I’m dealing with something difficult, I’ll hide away just a bit. I’ll not bring feelings up if I think like the other person might be over-loaded. I’ll gloss over feelings that I’m processing through, or not draw attention to an issue that I’m dealing with. I do this in a subconscious way, so I don’t even see the sign that I’m closed off until someone points it out to me.
I’d prefer that last part not happen. I’d like to be aware of myself enough to know I’m being a bit closed off. I am so happy that the people I am with are so aware of my emotional states that they know when I’m doing it, and feel comfortable enough to tell me when this is happening. But I need to see those signs myself. Because those moments when I don’t talk are exactly the moments when I need to be talking the most. Those are the moments when I need that support.
And it’s my responsibility to be on top of taking care of myself, ever if that comes in the form of asking others for support.