A good friend of mine got married over the weekend. It was a very nice ceremony at the Cultural Center, followed by a few hours of awesome booze and nosh at the Signature Room It was really great to meet my friend’s family for the first time, and share in their celebration.
After all of this was a few hours at the bar, where I got to see a bunch of old friends and acquaintances. Among these were some people who I had not seen in years, and it was fun to catch up. It felt a little strange because so much has changed in the time that I knew them. I have a new job, and unknown to most of them, a bunch of new relationships.
A popular question I had to field regarded what I’ve been up to during my free time, now that I’m not working a square nine-to-five job. I could have come up with some bullshit filler for those that don’t know me a polyamorous. But I was in a comfortable environment, surrounded by people who accepted me and are interested in my life. So I thought I would take the opportunity to tell them about my life in full.
It turns out I’m pretty crap at coming out.
I mumbled and bumbled through it, and I didn’t feel like I was being very clear at all. I was pretty good at talking about circumstances and real life events, but being able to convey feelings in that moment was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I consider myself a relatively articulate person, and to run into the wall head first was disturbing.
Part of the reason I had so much trouble was that bit of my brain that was still afraid of being judged, or at least had the defenses up just in case I was about to be judged. I think that is a natural reaction to the circumstances, regardless of how comfortable I may have been. But I think the larger part is that I haven’t had a lot of practice in coming out. I’ve had the luxury in the last couple of years of already being in a circumstance where it was known that I was poly, or where I wasn’t the one that had to do a lot of the talking.
Doing it all on my own really emphasized how much I need to work on my story, and be able to tell it in a comfortable and meaningful way. This will be all the more important when I come out to my family. I don’t want that to be a circumstance where I am scrambling for words, or feeling disoriented in the middle of it. I want to be clear and collected, and be able to field questions without wondering how I’m going to be able to handle it.
I know there isn’t a one-size-fits script for doing this, and I don’t expect it to be that easy. But I sure need to work on mine if I want to feel better about it.
how did they react?
Yeah, I guess I am leaving some stuff out, aren’t I?
Everyone reacted well. One person only asked about factual stuff and then changed the subject, but he is usually pretty quiet when it comes to private things, so I wasn’t so surprised at that. And the other was interested in my relationships and asked a bunch of questions without making it a big deal, which was really nice. But that might have also been because I had already fumbled though it once before, and I was better the second time around? Donno.
It sounds like a positive experience! Don’t be too hard on yourself about your delivery. They would’ve understood that to be because it is not something that you would be in a position to explain very often. At least you didn’t get called a slut like I did the last time I attempted to explain it!
Maybe next time I can live the slut-shaming dream. 🙂
In case it’s of any interest to you, I wrote a follow up blog post about coming out here if you didn’t see it already:
http://polytalkbykitty.wordpress.com/2013/09/18/polyamory-discrimination-and-the-aftermath-of-coming-out/
Thanks for writing it! I think this is a great topic to keep thinking and talking about.
You bring up a valid point about coming out being a process rather than an event. Even I fall into the trap of thinking that I’ll just need to come out the one time, and then everything else will follow suit somehow. I think it comes from the idea that starting the conversation means having the conversation in its entirety, instead of that conversation taking place for years and years.
Yes I fell into the same trap too, as the actual “coming out” part is so stressful and scary. You are then proud of yourself and think you are done. But it really ends up becoming an ongoing conversation for the curious or the confused. And it may test your patience as well some days. Lol There is a need to look on the bright side that there’s opportunities for growth and education, and also to be prepared to walk away sometimes. It is very possible a friendship can change or dissolve over it. But you survive it fine. 🙂