I’ve had a hard week. I’m leaving Chicago tomorrow to go home for a family funeral. I’ve spent the last few days as the nexus of information / coordinator of travel itineraries. I’m stressed out and feeling weird.
More than anything right now, I am appreciating the support of my partners. I know that I have this amazing base of love to draw on, and I’ve been soaking it up like a sponge. I know that I am stronger and better put together at this moment because of the way they hold me in their hearts.
But there are ways that they simply can’t support me. I’m not out to my family (yet. put a big yet here). So while my wife and I will be heading home tomorrow, I’ll be leaving my support structure behind. And as much as I want to be with my family right now, and be there for them, I also want to be able to bring my family along with me. All of them. Not just the acceptable and understood parts.
When I say this, I feel selfish. I want all of it. I know that I’m in the middle of some heavy shit, but I do want it all right now. And I feel bad saying that to my partners, because the wall that they are encountering is the one that I built. Or, maybe I didn’t build it, but I’m not tearing it down, so that’s my fault too.
I do want to tear it down. I do want to come out. I’ve been talking this over with my wife, and she knows that this is important to me. Right this very moment doesn’t feel like the right time, as my family is going through a rather intense grieving process. But soon.
Closets are toxic. This sucks.