This time just me, at the queer women’s website Autostraddle.com. They’re doing a series about polyamory (which is really cool btw – I’m part three and parts one and two were also geat). But we chatted about relationship anarchy, intentional living, family, and all kinds of stuff. Check it out!
Well, it’s been a long time since posting, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing anything! Our monthly Poly Cocktails event is growing steadily in popularity, and my loved ones and I started going on (gasp!) publicized interviews!
I’m sure I will quickly become overdue on writing the blog article I should one day write about how intimidating a prospect it is to lay yourself out there publicly, not to mention the total vulnerability of publicly outing yourself to the mercy of internet commentaries. But that said, we did it! And, so far, I am pretty fucking proud of us (if I do say so myself).
The original intention was for this to be a one-off five minute blurb, but I think (as we ALL come to realize eventually) polyamory became way to big, deep, and juicy of a topic for an interviewer to encapsulate in just five minutes, and so our (amazing and respectful) interviewer decided to break it up into a series of multiple segments.
I’ll leave the links here as they come online.
Enjoy!!
Asking for a Friend: So you have a wife and a boyfriend…
Asking for a Friend: Is polyamory just about having more sex?
Asking for a Friend: How do friends and family react to polyamory?
If you are reading this, then you are no doubt a fellow breakup warrior. A person who has fought, loved, and lost like the many souls who have given their vulnerable hearts to another person only to have them smashed, crushed, or ___________(insert other past tense verb of devastating character).
As the Neil Sedaka song says, “Breaking up is hard to do”. There is little about ending a particularly meaningful relationship with someone that isn’t. From dividing up friends, to separating your stuff; even deciding who gets which hangout spots or trying to keep distance between one another while the dust settles.
While I grant that the initiator’s job is difficult, I would like to fall in line with my fellow dump-ees for this particular post, but not in the way you would suspect.
No, if I wanted to bloviate about heartache, I could do it on my Xanga. Rather, I want to discuss what happens after that.
The truth is that once the breakup happens, it’s over. One or both parties have decided that the relationship is broken and want to move on. Words are exchanged, feelings are felt, and the die is cast. But inevitably, however long the conversation lasts, one person closes out their tab, the other leaves cash to dash out, and it’s done.
Dump-ees will recognize this period as the time when disbelief and delusion set in.
“I can get them back,” you say.
“There is still a chance,” you agree.
So begins in your mind the creation of a Rube Goldberg-ian contraption of mechanisms and methods to alter the mind of your former partner, to shift opinion, to make time reverse, to get back together. Trust me when I say this,
“It’s over honey.”
The best medicine at this point in time is to realize that whatever you had with this other person is done. Accept it because you have bigger problems.
“WHAT?” You ask.
Yep, there is a truth to breakups that I have only found through experience. You are broken up, separated from your partner, but that still implies 50% of that relationship goes on. That other part is you.
It is a terrible truth, but an inevitable one. Not only do you have to contend with the trouble of losing someone you love, but you also have to let go of the person you were when you were with them.There are no more mid-day chat sessions, no more 10pm pillow juggling acts, no more drunken escapades to parts unknown. Not as a couple, not as an item.
Humans are, by nature’s design, social creatures. We rely on each other for our survival in matters both practical and emotional. In forming those bonds, we alter ourselves to fit more harmoniously to the people we associate with. It is a natural tendency for our species to gravitate towards the people we like and emulate or blatantly copy the things we admire in others.
Goyte – Now Your Just Somebody that I Used to Know
I absolutely love Goyte’s Official Video of ‘Somebody that I used to know’ when illustrating this point. Like make-up that we cover ourselves with to fit in the frame, we alter what we are to become something new. If you have ever heard the phrase, “You guys look like a couple.” you know exactly what I am referring to.
Adversely, when a break-up happens, that same make-up starts to shed off our skin, and we slough off our past persona to become another person. At the final frame of the video, the girl no longer belongs. She has officially broken up with not only our friend Goyte, but also the image of the two of them as a couple.
They no longer fit.
For my part, these are the hardest things to let go of. While I may grasp the concept that the relationship is finished in my head, my heart will not relinquish the feeling of being together.
There is a lyric in the song that I LOVE to read.
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
“So! Mr.Perceptive.” You might ask, “I am definitely in it right now. I feel like I am going to die without this other person in my life because I can’t let go of what is in the past. What the hell do I do with me to get rid of this damn make-up?!?”
First, there is an awesome, definitive work on this subject by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola‑Behrendt called,“It’s Called a Break-up Because it’s Broken.”
Get this book.
Get this book. Like now, go. I’m not even joking.
Second, and I want to lead by example in this case; Start working out who you are without them. Imagine yourself as a blank canvas, an empty screen, a new sheet of freshly milled paper.
At this point in time, there are no wrong answers. AND, since you have extra time (and money!) to experiment with, there is no shame in getting it wrong or taking a long time to work things out as to who you want to be moving forward.
If there is one thing that I have learned, it’s that almost everyone has a story to share about breakups. With the exception of my parents, every other person I have sobbed to has had a reciprocal experience to share. Luckily, I was able to lean into those confessions and plead my own grievances. I vented, got a week off from work, and spent the next 7 days on ME.
I have taken up music again, lost weight, started playing sports again, grown a beard, let go of my glasses, changed my diet, lost hobbies, gained hobbies, picked up too many books, read too many books, and re-discovered how wonderful all the people in my life are.
So far, here is what I have concluded:
Admittedly, the idea of finding yourself is a process, and every day is a struggle to move forward while you also fight the urge to slide backwards into the familiar. ESPECIALLY when that person you were was SO right and it just worked in the kind of effortless, jovial, personal way that artists describe in movies and music.
Ultimately, your goal is to let your old self become somebody that you used to know. No doubt, breaking up is hard to do. And it is even more so when you have to do it twice. But believe me when I say this; the choices you make to change yourself FOR YOURSELF will have a lasting effect on not only others’ perceptions of you, but your perception of you.
As Samara O’Shea says in ‘Loves me…Not’, the only person you can ever be sure to wake up next to is you, so you had better make sure you like that person. Breakups give you the opportunity and space to seek and find clarity of self. Take advantage of this and the kindness of others as you determine who that person is.
You won’t regret it.
This is the eleventh in a series of entries about the little parts of polyamory, from individual perspectives.
All of my relationships right now are big, multi-year, heavy commitment relationships. I’m so grateful that these people are in my life, and I feel secure and happy with them. Thinking about the history that we have and the love that is there makes my life so much happier than it would be otherwise.
But long term relationships can lack that same level of excitement and NRE that meeting and dating someone new brings. Not better or worse, but just different than a new relationship. Instead of focusing on learning about each other and being in the excitement of it all, longer relationships focus on those comfortable moments of knowing one another, and feeling bonded together. The little differences between dopamine and oxytocin, or something like that.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, and how much I am really enjoying all of those little things that exist in these longer relationships. Those little shortcuts in communication that come from knowing another person so well. Knowing that the blankets on the bed are either going to be organized a certain way (or terribly disorganized in a certain way). Having shared moments that echo through as a common reference point. Inside jokes that don’t make sense to anyone else. Those are very valuable to me, and when I am conscious of them it is so heartwarming to me.
it’s also those little activities that I enjoy as well. Something as simple as grocery shopping, or trying to make a meal together. I am not a cook by any means, and I think dinners are usually greatly improved if I take a cleaning role rather than directly interacting with the food. But I’ve been experimenting with cooking in my relationships lately, and I’ve found a new appreciation for the time and teamwork that goes into that process. I’m not sure that I would have opened myself up to what feels like a tiny,risky experiment if I wasn’t in the kind of relationships that feel secure.
I feel lucky and very happy to see and recognize those little things. I know my life is so much better because of their presence.
This might be my favorite article I’ve ever seen about polyamory. It probably won’t be everyone’s flavor (it ranges toward relationship anarchy) but it almost perfectly describes how I approach my relationships.
I promise I have a real blog post in the works; in the meantime here’s another one I WISH I’d thought to write.🙂
No, You Don’t Need Rules For Polyamory
Thanks to Sex For Smart People for the link!
Today I had one of those moments when I saw a post that I wish I’d written myself – but I didn’t. So I’m popping on here just to share it.🙂 Enjoy!
Recently, I was able to take a weekend trip away from the city into the wilds of Missouri for a weekend of frivolity, feasting, and fending for oneself. It was a long car ride there and another long drive back, but the time spent in the heartland of America was just as advertised; full of love.
Now, in the interest of saving time, lets just say that this was not your average camp site. People come from all over the country once a year to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol and get in touch with nature in more ways that simple munching of high fiber granola while hiking through thick brush and sleeping under a bug net. It was myself and my steady in one tent, and a whole camp of new friends in the others. Where the situation gets relevant is when I mention that two of these new friends were tied to my steady for several years in the past. And what could have turned into a Ben Stiller ‘Meet the Parents’ weekend was instead a great opportunity to share our mutual affections for one person, in effect, to grow closer to one another. We bunked at this couples house, had take out together, developed long meaningful conversations about the end of the world and whether Stacker Pentecost is possibly the best fictional character name in the history of cinema, and then drank until the sun came up.
It is a rather salient point that my relationship with this person has been spattered with instances were present and past relationships entered and exited our daily lives. I could say that none of these occurrences made a huge impact on how we felt towards each other, but that would mean overlooking how these episodes helped grow our connection to one another. Instead of simply saying, “yes, I am poly and that means that outside relationships are okay,” we will regularly talk about our histories and feelings for these other people. Undoubtedly, it is a tricky thing to do because you have to respect the privacy of the people whom you are speaking about, but when you really get to the meat of the conversation, the value is that you understand your partner so much more than when you started.
For example, I am still close friends with a person whom I dated for almost 6 years of my adult life. We play games together, talk about important real life issues, and share in each others successes and failures. I knew that this relationship was alright in the context of my current g/f, but it was only after I explaining why I was still hanging out with this person that I felt more comfortable with the whole arrangement. My partner understands the reasons for seeing the person, and I am confident that they trust me enough to be open and honest when real relationship struggles arise.
As humans, we touch many people in a given day/week/month/year. Some we will brush by without a second thought and some will stay with us for a whole lifetime. How unfortunate it is, then, that the norms of society prevent us from holding onto those people that we have been truly intimate with, if we should, say, express those feelings in more ways than a hug and a cheek peck. It is a great luxury of our time that I can be connected to so many wonderful people and one other person who is comfortable in the idea that { (luv1),(luv2),(luv3) } ≠ (luv) / 2.
So in summary, I met two very wonderful people last weekend who still have strong feelings for my current steady, and I want to see more of them, not less.
Caroline
Josie
karinjr15
Jamie
Peter L.